Why Some People Fear Commitment

Commitment issues are nothing new. With the rise of popular dating apps, such as Tinder, OkCupid, and Grindr, more people are engaging in one-night stands and pursuing “no-strings-attached” relationships. It can sometimes seem like these apps have made the time-honoured practice of courtship a taboo.

Hearing the word “commitment” can send some individuals running to the doors and never coming back. Some associate commitment with other ideas, such as marriage, kids, and joint bank accounts. They feel trapped and would rather avoid relationships altogether.

Why Do Some People Have Commitment Issues?

While some people seem happy living life without extended commitments, others may find hook-ups or short-term relationships to be unsatisfying, temporary fixes. Despite this, they still have difficulties fully committing to a relationship. We often assume that a traumatic past relationship is why some people are afraid of commitment is getting hurt in their past relationship; however, there is often much more than meets the eye when it comes to a fear of commitment.

Here are several things that could be holding a person back from committing to a relationship:

Breakups can contribute to commitment issues.

  • A Traumatic Past

    – We all had terrible relationships which got us burned. While most can move on after a broken heart, some people create barriers to protect themselves emotionally. Subconsciously, the person becomes reluctant to let someone in their life again.

It’s worth remembering that the traumatic past relationship might not be from their dating history. They may have grown up without a model for a healthy relationship or encountered other traumas during childhood or young adulthood that make commitment challenging for them.

  • A Fear Of Abandonment

    – The fear of abandonment can be paralyzing for some because they are afraid that when things become good, their partner will abandon them. This experience can be unbearably painful and lead to a fear of commitment. This can often be associated with past traumatic relationships, or with issues of personal self-worth.

  • Pursuit Of Something Better 

    – Humans have always been on a life-long quest for “something better.” Some people believe that being in a committed relationship limits their chances of finding someone better than their current partner, and can end up wondering if there is someone even better “out there” for them.

Commitment issues prevent us from settling for good.

  • A Desire For Personal Independence

    – Some people value their independence. They are free to flirt and talk to whomever they want, spend all day swiping left and right on dating apps, and doing whatever their heart desires.

This is not the case in a relationship. Even in a non-monogamous committed relationship, the people in the relationship must negotiate what their relationship means, and what their commitments are. Some are unwilling to give up their independence and find being in a committed relationship to be overwhelming.

  • A Desire For Financial Independence

    – While they may be fine with an emotional commitment to their partner, some may balk at the financial realities of becoming a couple. Single people are responsible for their finances while being committed means sharing responsibility with someone else. For some, the thought of pooling finances may seem daunting or even threatening.

Being rejected by the person we love is painful.

  • A Fear Of Rejection

    – Rejection is painful; nobody wants to be rejected. When a person is rejected, it becomes a bad experience. This makes him/her fear of the idea of commitment without some reservations.

Dating A Commitment-Phobe

Dating someone with commitment issues can be emotionally taxing and could fill one with self-doubt or anxiety. Understanding the things that have happened in the past to your partner that have contributed to the problem can help you to know what support they need to come to grips with their underlying issues.

Some items on this list may seem to be contradictory; that’s because they are. Because people can have different reasons for fearing commitment, they also need different kinds of support from their partners to deal with those reasons. Honest, open communication is necessary for both of you to resolve the issues and grow your relationship.

  • Understand Your Relationship Goals

    – When dating someone with commitment issues, talk about relationship goals. This can sometimes be challenging because you may get a vague reply, or they might try to switch to another topic. They, and you, need to be honest about goals to determine if you both want the same thing from the relationship.

Sometimes, taking things slow helps.

  • Do Not Rush Them

    – With some people, you have to wait. They may be dealing with their issues in their own way. Be appreciative of the little things they do for you, like cooking, cleaning, or going out together. Understand that you are dealing with a person with an issue and always be mindful of them.

  • Give Them Space

    – Some people with commitment problems do not initiate dates and only hang out when it is convenient or them. Relationship experts recommend giving them space. Allow them to make plans. Pulling back can be beneficial because it can show you if they want to be in a relationship with you.

Talking about relationship goals helps couples know if they are compatible.

  • Encourage Them To Open Up

    – One effective way to deal with someone with a past unhealthy relationship is to engage with them in open, thought-provoking communication without judgment or criticism. You will need to be patient to encourage your commitment-phobe partner to have a breakthrough.

  • Give Yourself A Timeline

    – Your relationship should never feel like a part-time thing. Establish a timeline instead of eternally waiting for the connection to mature and grow. If your partner is stalling, talk to them about it.

Take Care Of Your Needs 

Although you are trying to understand your partner’s behaviour, make sure that your needs are being met. You both need to keep in mind that this is a two-way relationship, and you are not required to carry the emotional weight of the relationship by yourself. Talking with a certified therapist can help you lighten the burden.

It’s important to remember that while you can address these issues as a couple, the person with commitment issues must ultimately take ownership of their own circumstances and emotions.

Dating someone with commitment issues is challenging. If you still want to give your partner and relationship another shot, getting a relationship counselling in Windsor can help you understand your respective roles in the issues pegging the relationship. Also, if you are struggling with commitment, call Depression & Relationship Counselling Services at 519-253-1519 to book an appointment with Wendy Limarzi.